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Mother & Son

I wrote this a while ago but couldn't think of a title until recently. It came to me when I realized that I was thinking of the bond between my brother and my Mom - unique, special & unbreakable. They were so dependent on each other, their lives so entwined that it seemed sometimes like they existed in a universe all their own, unreachable to the rest of us 'mere mortals'. They always seemed perfectly in sync with each other, something I've never felt with my Mom - you know how it is between mothers & daughters!

And so I guess, this is my ode to their relationship of mutual compassion, nurturing and love...

He found her waiting for him, one misty winter morn,
She sat silent beside him, in the slowly waking dawn.
He thought she felt familiar, like an old and trusted friend,
Her eyes shone kind and gentle, her presence a godsend.

“Who are you?” he ventured, “Have I seen you before?"
"Why do you seem so lonely? Tell me,” he implored.

She smiled at him and said, at once both sweet and sad,
"I have this longing in my heart, I think I always had.
My story is the same as yours, for I am but your shadow,
I feel all that your heart does, your dreams, your joys, your sorrow."

Gazing into those wise brown eyes, twin windows to her soul,
What he witnessed, deep within, shook him to his core.
He saw in them his loneliness, his darkest thoughts and fears,
Rage and guilt and tears he saw, piercing liquid spears.

Stunned, he dropped his eyes to earth, shielded from her gaze,
He wondered how she would survive, the awful burden of his fate.

She looked at him once more, with her wry and tender smile,
"I carry all your weight," she said, "so you may rest awhile.
So give me all your troubles, your worries and regrets,
Let me smooth away your pain & ease your tortured breath."

In her honeyed voice, she sang to him, he gave in to her plea,
The best thing he ever did, was lay his head upon her knee,
He gave in to deep slumber, as she softly stroked his face.
And found his peace in dreamless sleep, grace in hallowed space.

Come morning, when he awoke, to a world awash in dew,
Together they rose, Mother and Son, refreshed, alive, renewed.

- Harsha

My Goa...

Lately I've developed an avid interest in photography, thanks to one of my best friends Anshu, who first introduced me to the magical world of pixels and shutter speeds! I'm one of those eager amateurs, that when they get their hands on a camera, start snapping away, any place, anytime or should I say, every place, all the time - often annoying all & sundry, which, in my case, usually turns out to be hubby dearest!! He's often had to stop the car, braking dangerously, with me shrieking "STOP!!!!STOP NOW!!!!CAN'T YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST PICTURE PURRRRFECT???" It's happened so often now, he takes it in his stride - like he has a choice! Seriously though - he's a good man ;-)

So on my recent trip back home to Goa, I went kind of shutter-crazy! I'm lucky though - Goa is beautiful, even through the amateur lens :-) I must confess, since I grew up here, I was for ever so long immune to her unique charm. I craved, 'the fast life', speed, excitement, adventure and the Goa of my childhood and teens was anything but! Now I'm moving back after 14 years and Goa has changed like most places would, after a long chunk of time. Yet, something of the 'old world charm' still remains, in the quietness of its temples after the tourists are gone, the off-season beauty of its beaches, the silence of its pristine white chapels and the feeling of oneness with nature that is never far away. The very things that once drove me away, now bring me back, offering hope and the promise of a new beginning! A 'Full Circle' moment if ever there was one!

Thank you Goa - for shaping my Life! You dwell eternal in my soul...

Make a Smilebox photobook

P.S. This is my first Smilebox creation to be posted on the blog, but must warn you guys - am a self-confessed Smilebox addict! You have been warned ;-)

New Beginnings...

It feels surreal, coming as this post does after the last one titled Introspection! All that rumination & pondering - has brought about, what else - Change!

Life has and will continue to change this year. A change in location, a change in job and most importantly a change in family status!! Phew...deep breath in order! Strangely enough, amidst the chaos, is a quiet peace, like I'm in the 'eye of the storm', where inner calmness and sanity prevail!

So, I'm moving back, at age 40, to stay with my parents in Goa (I know, I know! But, it's temporary or so I keep telling myself!), my husband has taken a break from a high-stress corporate job (no problem with this one!) and we welcome into our lives our newest family member - our son Ishaan (adore this one!). There - not so bad, now that I've actually written it down.

Oh I know, I know - it's going to get absolutely insane before I regain any sense of control over my life - moving in with my parents after 17 years of total independence; becoming first-time parents; learning to do without a regular salary cheque! Man, it doesn't rain - it pours!!

And yet it doesn't worry me as much as I thought it would. Perhaps, it's a sign that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be - going with the flow, aligning with the universe, as the self-help gurus love to say! Maybe it's some miraculous wisdom that appears @ 40 ;-) Or maybe, and this is my favourite, it's my guardian angel, my brother, pulling strings, pushing me in the right direction; one that I couldn't see for myself :)

Whatever it is - it feels right in my gut!

Here's to New Beginnings!!

Introspection...

The last few weeks have been a time for introspection. Here, I would like to say a big 'THANK-YOU', to all my friends, who during this time, happily shared chit-chat and alcohol, and tell them that all those times they thought I was 'happy from alcohol', I was actually in my 'Zen space' trying to make sense of it all! But now, back to the serious! Everything in life at this moment seems uncertain, unpredictable, wobbly if you will - I'm constantly looking for answers, searching for solutions, trying to reach decisions and getting nowhere! Maybe I'm just trying so hard, I can't see the forest for the trees or maybe I'm just plain dumb! Anyways, have decided to stop trying, let go and in true Zen fashion - surrender to the mysterious machinations of Life! If I've learnt anything so far this year - it's that I have 'NO CONTROL' over most of the important, life-changing events in my own Life - so this is it - I surrender.

For some reason I've been thinking a lot lately about the events of 26/11/08 - a Black Day for my beloved Mumbai & for the World. Maybe it's to do with life ending, changing as we know it, something that I can identify with all too well. Maybe it's to do with fresh starts and new beginnings and the capacity of the human spirit to survive the seemingly unsurvivable. It's an art I hope to learn, a skill I need to nurture. I wrote the first few lines of the poem last year but couldn't get ahead. When I did begin to write again it was strangely therapeutic - I guess it's a question of the right time. Apparently, that time is NOW.

She stands majestic by the sea,
Her brick walls steeped in history,
A century of memories, witnessing all,
Love, intrigue, scandals & balls,
The birthing of nations,
Coronations of kings,
Anniversaries, Birthdays,
Luncheons & things.
Yet after all that She had seen,
Tragedy loomed, grim, unseen.
On a black day in Time ,
When the nightmare began,
Her walls lay shattered,
O cowardly hand of man!
Milky marble burnt to cinders,
Hot coal fires, fatal embers.
Her spirit torn asunder,
By a billion silent screams,
Blood, blood everywhere,
Flowing crimson streams.
Dark those days and darker nights,
No respite, relief in sight,
The nightmare continued - endless, fey,
The sky coloured a morbid grey.
The world watched, as it always does,
Doing little, saying much!
Determined she battled for freedom & grace,
Wrenched herself free from Death's embrace,
Lives surrendered, Innocence lost,
Victory was hers, but alas the cost!
People cheered, forgot their fears,
Visions dimmed by happy tears,
She rose again, phoenix-like,
A beacon of hope from the ashes of Life!
If She can do it, perhaps so can I?
Spread my broken wings and fly,
High above in cloudless sky,
Spread my broken wings and fly!

- Harsha

Delhi 6 - We Are Like That Only!

Yesterday I did something I haven't done since way back when I was in college - saw 2 movies back to back in the theatre!! In college of course 'movie marathons' were commonplace - whether in the theatre or on the old trusty VCR. Delhi 6 also holds a special place in my heart because it is the first movie I watched after my brother passed away and I thought it would be impossible for me to watch any movie anytime soon...it took me a month and was very painful, 'cause watching movies was what we did together in Goa, it was 'our thing'...

So to the movies - Delhi 6 and Billu Barber or Billu as it's now called (apparently it's been shortened because 'hajaams' were offended by the term 'Barber'!! Kyon?? Bhagwan jaane!! I just don't get it!!) This post will not mention Billu other than to say that the only thing I liked about the movie was Irfan Khan, exemplary as always.

I fell in love with Delhi 6 and was surprised to find that I am in a minority! For me the film captured the true ethos of India - chaotic, frenzied, colourful, illogical and somehow utterly lovable!! It reminded me of the song...Hum logon ko samajh sako toh samjho dilbar jaani, jitna bhi tum samjhoge utni hogi hairani...We are like that only!!

The film uses the darkly hilarious episode of Delhi's famous 'Black Monkey' case, to introduce Roshan (AB Jr. doing a good job at last post-Guru and thankfully no wife in tow) a 2nd generation Indian-American born to a Hindu father and Muslim mother, who returns home to Chandni Chowk to drop off his grandma (played to perfection by Waheeda Rehman!) who is dying from a brain tumour.

They arrive at the beginning of Navratri, a 9 day festival of colour, pomp and riotous celebration, in honour of good triumphing over evil. Ram kills Ravan and everyone celebrates from the common man to the Gods! The Ram Leela in the movie was one of the highlights for me - beautifully done and yet not slick enough to lessen its inherently rustic feel. Another great scene for me was the 'Holy Cow giving birth scene' - hilarious and utterly believable and uniquely India!

My favourite scene in the movie: Roshan, disgusted with everything happening around him has decided to return to the US and tells his Granny that they are leaving. She tells him No! and he loses it and yells at her! He then breaks down and apologizes and she consoles him as only Grannies can, "Don't worry Beta, sab theek ho jaayega. Bhagwan sab theek kar denge!" And he looks at her incredulous, and says, "Kaunsa Bhagwan, Dadi? Dad ke Ram yah Mom ke Allah?" and goes on to say something to the effect of 'How can you have so much faith in God and yet have so little in yourself? How will God help when you don't lift a finger to help yourself?' It was a powerful moment in the movie for me - not original, no, but powerful.

As the story or rather stories unfold and there are several - they reveal a treasure trove of instantly recognizable, colourful if rather cliched & stereotypical characters. The brilliant ensemble cast, the director manages to put together made this movie eminently watchable. Whether it's the brief, incisive performance of Divya Dutta as the untouchable garbage collector Jalebi; or the expert characterizations of feuding brothers Madangopal & Jaigopal by Om Puri & Pawan Malhotra - brilliant as always, while their wives (equally impressive Supriya Pathak and Sheeba Chaddha) manage to nurture the family bond, through all the strife, with a little help from their adorable sons & a moving brick; or the vulnerable, bumbling village idiot Gobar, played by Atul Kulkarni (who seems to have become a Mehra favourite too!); or Vijay Raaz who plays the slimy, corrupt local cop to perfection; or Sonam Kapoor's sensitive portrayal of the beautiful, confused, rebellious Bittu; or her hapless unmarried aunt torn between her brothers; or my favourite Rishi Kapoor as Uncle Ali Baig - an ex-suitor of Roshan's mom, who is Roshan's confidante and the one sane man in all the resident chaos; I recognized in them, members of my family and friends and parts of myself, that made them instantly real, believable and close to my heart. Prem Chopra and K.K Raina (seen them after ages on film) have a handful of scenes but leave a powerful impact as does Deepak Dobriyal, who plays Mamdu the Hanuman worshipping Muslim sweetmaker.

The cinematography is brilliant - I have never been to Delhi, but I will be most disappointed if I don't find Chandni Chowk, the way it's filmed in the movie! The music is superb! Maula Mere Maula and Genda Phool come to mind instantly! Rehman's genius at work yet again. I had read that the director had two endings in mind while shooting - one sad and the other happy. Without giving the story away, I'm glad he stayed with the one he did! The tempo builds up in the second half and the ease with which religion can be used to flame public sentiment in India is unnerving and terrifying to say the least, but also very reminiscent of the political climate in India in recent years. Is it unrealistic, the speed with which old friends turn against one another and then later seem to reconcile? Not to me - I've seen it happen and truth really is stranger than fiction! Anyone that follows Indian politics will agree!

Is the story original? No. It has the familiar and rather contentious theme of an NRI returning home, finding the 'love of his life' and predictably seduced to stay, by the craziness, beauty & paradox that is India, one that I must say, to me in Swades, was not very convincing! I guess I get it now, now that I'm older and wiser :) Nor does the movie have any answers - how can it - who does? Understanding India is difficult at best - Solving its issues?? Complex at best. Not in my lifetime - that's for sure!

So this to me is India as I see it - hectic, divided into a million castes and classes, irrational, emotional, a victim of decades of incompetent governance, prone to mobs, religious fanaticism and lethargy that has now translated into a frighteningly prevalent 'Chalta Hai' attitude! People disconnected from reality in many ways and yet connected to each other in the strangest! And in the midst of all the disorder and chaos, we somehow still find the strength to nurture our families, celebrate our festivals, forgive our neighbours and survive increasingly horrendous terrorist attacks!

For me I guess the essence of Delhi 6 & indeed India is crystallized in the words of Roshan to his Uncle Baig, when the latter is convincing him to return to the US after Roshan gets into trouble with his neighbours & the local police - "But India works Ali uncle! Its people make it work!" Amen!

Soul Mates

I began writing this post on Valentine's Day - a day celebrating Love. Thought it only appropriate since I lost my beloved brother a few weeks ago - found it too hard though and gave up for a while...now I'm back home in Singapore and trying to finish what I started...am relying on my Bro to give me the courage I need to remember him with Happiness - he would have wanted that - lots of laughs and minimal fuss - that was my brother, my soul mate.

I have never understood why the term 'soul mate' is generally used in reference to romantic relationships; just as I have never understood why the love between a mother and her child is considered to be the strongest, deepest form of human love there is, as though the love in all other relationships is somehow lesser. I don't agree with either of the two assumptions - I just think love is different in different relationships - not lesser, greater, deeper or shallower - just different...equal but different.

As for 'soul mates', I just lost mine - my brother, Amey, all of 28, my hero, my confidante, my soul mate. It's hard for me to find words that describe him - brave, funny, wise, silly, handsome come to mind; harder still to sit at his PC, from where he spoke to me almost everyday for the last 3years. But I have this emotional maelstrom inside me that needs an out - an escape - or else I fear my heart will burst into a million pieces and never again be whole.

The words of a favourite Michael Bolton song (an old favourite of both his & mine) come to mind...
"Tell me how am I supposed to live without you,
Now that I've been lovin' you so long,
How am I supposed to live without you,
How am I supposed to carry on,
When all that I've been livin' for is gone"
That's how I feel inside and out - how does one survive the loss of a soul mate? How does one fill the empty spaces left behind - at the dinner table, while watching TV and listening to music, in one's heart and soul?

Some days, it's too painful to think of him; on others, too painful not to. Nothing seems quite the same anymore and yet suddenly it seems like nothing has changed - he'll come online at 3.30 pm , like he always did, if I just wait long enough, and we'll be discussing the latest Bollywood movie or the latest exploits of the Indian cricket team (we both adore MSD!) or venting about Indian politics and the Iraq war, the stupidity of Americans in general and Bush in particular, or going gaga over Sukhi's (that's what he liked to call Sukhwinder Singh!) latest song! All favourite topics of conversation on which we usually agreed to disagree :) I'm going to miss all of that and so much more...

But for all my pain and my feelings of loneliness and despair at his loss, I'm Happy, yes, Happy for him, cause now he's FREE - free of pain and physical limitations - to be the Spirit he was born to be!

He blessed me with his presence in my life for 28 golden years and he was the BEST brother I could have wished for - still is - cause isn't that what they say - "When you lose someone you love, You have an angel you know!"

So Here's To You, Babloo - My Brother, My Angel, My Soul Mate...

Love You Hamesha Bro - I could go with the traditional 'Rest In Peace' but what I really want to say is - Enjoy!! Have A Blast!! Rock On!!