Introspection...

The last few weeks have been a time for introspection. Here, I would like to say a big 'THANK-YOU', to all my friends, who during this time, happily shared chit-chat and alcohol, and tell them that all those times they thought I was 'happy from alcohol', I was actually in my 'Zen space' trying to make sense of it all! But now, back to the serious! Everything in life at this moment seems uncertain, unpredictable, wobbly if you will - I'm constantly looking for answers, searching for solutions, trying to reach decisions and getting nowhere! Maybe I'm just trying so hard, I can't see the forest for the trees or maybe I'm just plain dumb! Anyways, have decided to stop trying, let go and in true Zen fashion - surrender to the mysterious machinations of Life! If I've learnt anything so far this year - it's that I have 'NO CONTROL' over most of the important, life-changing events in my own Life - so this is it - I surrender.

For some reason I've been thinking a lot lately about the events of 26/11/08 - a Black Day for my beloved Mumbai & for the World. Maybe it's to do with life ending, changing as we know it, something that I can identify with all too well. Maybe it's to do with fresh starts and new beginnings and the capacity of the human spirit to survive the seemingly unsurvivable. It's an art I hope to learn, a skill I need to nurture. I wrote the first few lines of the poem last year but couldn't get ahead. When I did begin to write again it was strangely therapeutic - I guess it's a question of the right time. Apparently, that time is NOW.

She stands majestic by the sea,
Her brick walls steeped in history,
A century of memories, witnessing all,
Love, intrigue, scandals & balls,
The birthing of nations,
Coronations of kings,
Anniversaries, Birthdays,
Luncheons & things.
Yet after all that She had seen,
Tragedy loomed, grim, unseen.
On a black day in Time ,
When the nightmare began,
Her walls lay shattered,
O cowardly hand of man!
Milky marble burnt to cinders,
Hot coal fires, fatal embers.
Her spirit torn asunder,
By a billion silent screams,
Blood, blood everywhere,
Flowing crimson streams.
Dark those days and darker nights,
No respite, relief in sight,
The nightmare continued - endless, fey,
The sky coloured a morbid grey.
The world watched, as it always does,
Doing little, saying much!
Determined she battled for freedom & grace,
Wrenched herself free from Death's embrace,
Lives surrendered, Innocence lost,
Victory was hers, but alas the cost!
People cheered, forgot their fears,
Visions dimmed by happy tears,
She rose again, phoenix-like,
A beacon of hope from the ashes of Life!
If She can do it, perhaps so can I?
Spread my broken wings and fly,
High above in cloudless sky,
Spread my broken wings and fly!

- Harsha

Delhi 6 - We Are Like That Only!

Yesterday I did something I haven't done since way back when I was in college - saw 2 movies back to back in the theatre!! In college of course 'movie marathons' were commonplace - whether in the theatre or on the old trusty VCR. Delhi 6 also holds a special place in my heart because it is the first movie I watched after my brother passed away and I thought it would be impossible for me to watch any movie anytime soon...it took me a month and was very painful, 'cause watching movies was what we did together in Goa, it was 'our thing'...

So to the movies - Delhi 6 and Billu Barber or Billu as it's now called (apparently it's been shortened because 'hajaams' were offended by the term 'Barber'!! Kyon?? Bhagwan jaane!! I just don't get it!!) This post will not mention Billu other than to say that the only thing I liked about the movie was Irfan Khan, exemplary as always.

I fell in love with Delhi 6 and was surprised to find that I am in a minority! For me the film captured the true ethos of India - chaotic, frenzied, colourful, illogical and somehow utterly lovable!! It reminded me of the song...Hum logon ko samajh sako toh samjho dilbar jaani, jitna bhi tum samjhoge utni hogi hairani...We are like that only!!

The film uses the darkly hilarious episode of Delhi's famous 'Black Monkey' case, to introduce Roshan (AB Jr. doing a good job at last post-Guru and thankfully no wife in tow) a 2nd generation Indian-American born to a Hindu father and Muslim mother, who returns home to Chandni Chowk to drop off his grandma (played to perfection by Waheeda Rehman!) who is dying from a brain tumour.

They arrive at the beginning of Navratri, a 9 day festival of colour, pomp and riotous celebration, in honour of good triumphing over evil. Ram kills Ravan and everyone celebrates from the common man to the Gods! The Ram Leela in the movie was one of the highlights for me - beautifully done and yet not slick enough to lessen its inherently rustic feel. Another great scene for me was the 'Holy Cow giving birth scene' - hilarious and utterly believable and uniquely India!

My favourite scene in the movie: Roshan, disgusted with everything happening around him has decided to return to the US and tells his Granny that they are leaving. She tells him No! and he loses it and yells at her! He then breaks down and apologizes and she consoles him as only Grannies can, "Don't worry Beta, sab theek ho jaayega. Bhagwan sab theek kar denge!" And he looks at her incredulous, and says, "Kaunsa Bhagwan, Dadi? Dad ke Ram yah Mom ke Allah?" and goes on to say something to the effect of 'How can you have so much faith in God and yet have so little in yourself? How will God help when you don't lift a finger to help yourself?' It was a powerful moment in the movie for me - not original, no, but powerful.

As the story or rather stories unfold and there are several - they reveal a treasure trove of instantly recognizable, colourful if rather cliched & stereotypical characters. The brilliant ensemble cast, the director manages to put together made this movie eminently watchable. Whether it's the brief, incisive performance of Divya Dutta as the untouchable garbage collector Jalebi; or the expert characterizations of feuding brothers Madangopal & Jaigopal by Om Puri & Pawan Malhotra - brilliant as always, while their wives (equally impressive Supriya Pathak and Sheeba Chaddha) manage to nurture the family bond, through all the strife, with a little help from their adorable sons & a moving brick; or the vulnerable, bumbling village idiot Gobar, played by Atul Kulkarni (who seems to have become a Mehra favourite too!); or Vijay Raaz who plays the slimy, corrupt local cop to perfection; or Sonam Kapoor's sensitive portrayal of the beautiful, confused, rebellious Bittu; or her hapless unmarried aunt torn between her brothers; or my favourite Rishi Kapoor as Uncle Ali Baig - an ex-suitor of Roshan's mom, who is Roshan's confidante and the one sane man in all the resident chaos; I recognized in them, members of my family and friends and parts of myself, that made them instantly real, believable and close to my heart. Prem Chopra and K.K Raina (seen them after ages on film) have a handful of scenes but leave a powerful impact as does Deepak Dobriyal, who plays Mamdu the Hanuman worshipping Muslim sweetmaker.

The cinematography is brilliant - I have never been to Delhi, but I will be most disappointed if I don't find Chandni Chowk, the way it's filmed in the movie! The music is superb! Maula Mere Maula and Genda Phool come to mind instantly! Rehman's genius at work yet again. I had read that the director had two endings in mind while shooting - one sad and the other happy. Without giving the story away, I'm glad he stayed with the one he did! The tempo builds up in the second half and the ease with which religion can be used to flame public sentiment in India is unnerving and terrifying to say the least, but also very reminiscent of the political climate in India in recent years. Is it unrealistic, the speed with which old friends turn against one another and then later seem to reconcile? Not to me - I've seen it happen and truth really is stranger than fiction! Anyone that follows Indian politics will agree!

Is the story original? No. It has the familiar and rather contentious theme of an NRI returning home, finding the 'love of his life' and predictably seduced to stay, by the craziness, beauty & paradox that is India, one that I must say, to me in Swades, was not very convincing! I guess I get it now, now that I'm older and wiser :) Nor does the movie have any answers - how can it - who does? Understanding India is difficult at best - Solving its issues?? Complex at best. Not in my lifetime - that's for sure!

So this to me is India as I see it - hectic, divided into a million castes and classes, irrational, emotional, a victim of decades of incompetent governance, prone to mobs, religious fanaticism and lethargy that has now translated into a frighteningly prevalent 'Chalta Hai' attitude! People disconnected from reality in many ways and yet connected to each other in the strangest! And in the midst of all the disorder and chaos, we somehow still find the strength to nurture our families, celebrate our festivals, forgive our neighbours and survive increasingly horrendous terrorist attacks!

For me I guess the essence of Delhi 6 & indeed India is crystallized in the words of Roshan to his Uncle Baig, when the latter is convincing him to return to the US after Roshan gets into trouble with his neighbours & the local police - "But India works Ali uncle! Its people make it work!" Amen!

Soul Mates

I began writing this post on Valentine's Day - a day celebrating Love. Thought it only appropriate since I lost my beloved brother a few weeks ago - found it too hard though and gave up for a while...now I'm back home in Singapore and trying to finish what I started...am relying on my Bro to give me the courage I need to remember him with Happiness - he would have wanted that - lots of laughs and minimal fuss - that was my brother, my soul mate.

I have never understood why the term 'soul mate' is generally used in reference to romantic relationships; just as I have never understood why the love between a mother and her child is considered to be the strongest, deepest form of human love there is, as though the love in all other relationships is somehow lesser. I don't agree with either of the two assumptions - I just think love is different in different relationships - not lesser, greater, deeper or shallower - just different...equal but different.

As for 'soul mates', I just lost mine - my brother, Amey, all of 28, my hero, my confidante, my soul mate. It's hard for me to find words that describe him - brave, funny, wise, silly, handsome come to mind; harder still to sit at his PC, from where he spoke to me almost everyday for the last 3years. But I have this emotional maelstrom inside me that needs an out - an escape - or else I fear my heart will burst into a million pieces and never again be whole.

The words of a favourite Michael Bolton song (an old favourite of both his & mine) come to mind...
"Tell me how am I supposed to live without you,
Now that I've been lovin' you so long,
How am I supposed to live without you,
How am I supposed to carry on,
When all that I've been livin' for is gone"
That's how I feel inside and out - how does one survive the loss of a soul mate? How does one fill the empty spaces left behind - at the dinner table, while watching TV and listening to music, in one's heart and soul?

Some days, it's too painful to think of him; on others, too painful not to. Nothing seems quite the same anymore and yet suddenly it seems like nothing has changed - he'll come online at 3.30 pm , like he always did, if I just wait long enough, and we'll be discussing the latest Bollywood movie or the latest exploits of the Indian cricket team (we both adore MSD!) or venting about Indian politics and the Iraq war, the stupidity of Americans in general and Bush in particular, or going gaga over Sukhi's (that's what he liked to call Sukhwinder Singh!) latest song! All favourite topics of conversation on which we usually agreed to disagree :) I'm going to miss all of that and so much more...

But for all my pain and my feelings of loneliness and despair at his loss, I'm Happy, yes, Happy for him, cause now he's FREE - free of pain and physical limitations - to be the Spirit he was born to be!

He blessed me with his presence in my life for 28 golden years and he was the BEST brother I could have wished for - still is - cause isn't that what they say - "When you lose someone you love, You have an angel you know!"

So Here's To You, Babloo - My Brother, My Angel, My Soul Mate...

Love You Hamesha Bro - I could go with the traditional 'Rest In Peace' but what I really want to say is - Enjoy!! Have A Blast!! Rock On!!

The Big 4O!

Can't escape it, not anymore! It's here! Well, it will be in a week - exactly 7 days from now - I will enter the 4th decade of my life!! When I think in terms of decades - the number still seems small :P
I mean 4 vs 40...come on - work with me here ;)

Seriously speaking - don't think it will be any different than turning 24 say or 37, or any age, for that matter. I thought it would - honestly, I was prepared for some earth-shattering insights into the world, humanity, my self! No such luck! The world, humanity and self all continue to feel and act much as they did when I was 37 - except of course the US just elected a black man to be President ;)
Aah...maybe this is a watershed year after all :P

No complaints though - 2008 has been a fantastic year :) Have had two 'fantabulous' trips each - to Europe and the US, work has been rewarding, friends have been supportive and family, loving! And now, here I am on the threshold of a new beginning - a time of change as I prepare for a new and challenging role - that of a mother. It's one I'm unused to and didn't particularly hanker after. One that made it's way into my psyche, gradually, hesitantly, cautiously. And yet, now it seems firmly entrenched in my heart and soul - am nervous but not panicky, well not yet anyway!! Maybe when the toilet-training begins - my friends have been very helpful - painting vivid pictures :P

And so I guess for me, what they say about turning 40 is true in a way - Life begins at 40 - and so it will for me - or at least, it will take off in a new direction, one that I am looking forward to :)

All this fuss over turning 40, got me to thinking about Life in general and decades in particular. Isn't that what everyone that's turning 40 is supposed to do? Ponder their life so far and plan for how they are going to make it more meaningful in the future? Well I'm not one for introspection - maybe it's cause - all things considered - I've had a pretty great Life! Don't really have any major regrets - that's not to say that Life hasn't been tough, yes it has, but nothing I couldn't handle with the love and support of family and friends.

Speaking of decades, my first was fabulous - had a dreamy childhood, especially the 4 years spent in Japan, where I was first introduced to cartoons and colour television - Kid Heaven! The Teen years were, for lack of a better word, 'typical', full of angst, mood swings and craziness - my Mom will agree - made her cry many tears, I did! Sorry Mom! Through it all - managed to get through 5 years of Medical school, make the 'best friend' a girl could possibly have and find the 'love of my life'! Not bad for a crazy teen huh??!! The twenties were more of the same - got married to the 'love of my life' though, amidst all the craziness :) In the thirties at last I felt like I had a handle on Life. The craziness was tempered by the small amount of wisdom I had acquired thus far and I began to see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. And now, at 39, in the last year of what has been my favourite decade so far, I can honestly say that I like myself more than I liked myself at any other time in my Life!

Those who know me best, know that I am shy and reserved, even when I seem to be having a ball, that I am perfectly happy to be alone for days on end, that I avoid giving advice like the plague if I can help it(though some of it is pretty great!). that for all my bluster, I lack self-confidence and am not half as brave as I pretend to be, that I still find it hard to start conversation with a stranger and that I love dogs and books infinitely more than I will ever love people!

Since moving to Singapore, I like to think I've gotten better at some of the above! I've started working as an editor, a job that allows me to work with my first love - Books! I truly enjoy it and never in a million years ever thought I would be doing it! My confidence levels have improved and so have my social skills. I still find it hard to make polite conversation with people I dislike - but on the bright side, I don't find the 'need' to be nice to too many people! And I still love dogs and books more than people - but I'm more patient with some humans ;)

I guess what I mean is - I'm just more comfortable in my own skin :) Some people feel the need to grow a new skin when they reach milestones - me, I just like to give the old one a little wiggle now and again, so it fits better! Works for me! It feels right, fits like a dream - a perfectly tailored custom fit! I'm going to hang on to this feeling - I like it and I think it likes me right back - makes me a better person, a better friend, a better me!

And so it's refreshing to think that the 40 years I have walked this planet have not been for nothing! It's been an amazing journey - all those years of memorable and not so memorable moments, lessons learnt, goals achieved, friendships made, love given, love received - I have had all of that and more. Even though I haven't changed the world in a big way, I have tried to better my own tiny universe and for me - that's enough. Life is beautiful - more than I ever imagined possible, more than I thought I deserved...and I am grateful, very grateful to all those that have enriched it with their presence :)


So there...Bring on the big 4O - I'm rearing to go!

Dear Mr.President...

Dear Mr. President,

Congratulations, to you, your family and your country on your historic win! You did it! You finally did it - now the world can breathe again and so can I! You had me worried there for a while - especially when Ms. Palin entered the picture and whipped up such hysterical media-frenzy. I have never seen so much fuss made over so little substance - but such is the world we live in today. Be that as it may, you did it, you did it, you did it!!! Sorry if I sound a bit hysterical myself, I am not - just Happy and Hopeful, well yeah, maybe a little!

For me, your election is one of the defining moments of our times, a full circle moment not only for every African-American but for every human being, simply because of the message it offers - HOPE & FAITH! There is still Hope in this crazy, mad world - and there is renewed Faith now, that every once in a while, us crazy people, are capable of doing the right thing! About time too! Wasn't born when JFK was assassinated and was a just a newborn when man walked on the moon, so am extremely proud to witness history being made today!

I know you're not technically the President yet, but you might as well be, given the governance that your country has suffered through the last 8 years. When you first burst onto the scene 2 years ago, I had never heard of you. Not many Americans had either I'm guessing - and I'm not an American, nor do I live in the US. I'm an Indian doctor currently living in Singapore and my only connection to the US, besides family and friends that live there, is the tiny fact, that my spouse works for an American MNC - Procter & Gamble. So for me - the US economy collapsing the way it did is much more cause for worry than any wars your country chooses to fight, or not! I'm an Indian - wars and terrorism have long been a part of my life, whether I like it or not and I don't.

Something about you intrigued me. Maybe it was your warm spirit and personality, more so in contrast to Hillary's cold efficiency, or the fact that you share a wonderfully close bond with your family, or the dignified manner in which rose above the race issue and spoke only of America and Americans or that you ran a disciplined, positive campaign and surrounded yourself with a great team of advisers, that allowed me to believe you would indeed, make things better. I began to follow the campaign and your integrity and speeches floored me every time - not only the fact that they were extremely well-written (kudos to your speech-writer!) but also the way your eloquence made every word come alive! You believed in your message and that came through when you spoke.

You spoke of unity and change and sacrifice and working together in a bi-partisan manner to heal your country - and yes - I believed you! You came across as level-headed and calm, where your opponents seemed shrill and vindictive. I liked that you warned Americans of the tough road ahead, while still remaining upbeat and positive - cause it will be. A very tough road indeed, but if there is one thing I have learnt from my recent vacation to your fine country - it's that if anyone can make it happen - Americans can!

The days ahead will be challenging, to say the least, and I wish you the Best of Luck for the monumental task ahead. Surround yourself with a loyal, efficient team and most importantly - LISTEN, to your citizens and especially to your detractors. PAY ATTENTION - please don't sleepwalk through your terms in office like President Bush did. LEARN - there's nothing wrong in making a mistake but everything wrong in repeating them over and over.

As a global citizen, I look forward to a wiser, saner, renewed and recharged US of A under your leadership. Once again, please accept my Congratulations on your historic victory! And now all that's left to say - Carpe Diem!

With warm regards and best wishes,
Dr. Harsha Priolkar.

P.S. When in doubt consult Michelle! A huge part of the reason I believe in you and like you as much as I do is Michelle :) Your choice of life partner assures me that you won't screw up completely! I have admired Michelle from the first time I saw her. For her poise and dignity, her intelligence and warmth and most of all for her mix of playfulness and gravitas! She's going to make one hell of a First Lady!

Gandhiji...

I'm not a huge Gandhi fan, never have been. To me, he's always come across as a stubborn, egotistical, selfish man (his vow of celibacy being for me the ultimate example of selfishness), who was often weak when strength was required and had favourites among his followers, just like us lesser mortals! I dislike the way, every time Independence is mentioned, we keep hearing Gandhi rhetoric and non-violence as if he was the only reason, India is today a free nation. Can we truthfully claim, India's Independence came through purely non-violent means?

What of all the hundreds of thousands of freedom-fighters that fought and sacrificed their lives, before him and by his side, anonymous and otherwise? Are Bhagat Singh, Azad and Bose and the countless others not as important? Were Nehru, Jinnah, Azad, Naidu and Patel not politicians of equal eminence in stature, strength and commitment? I believe they were. And yet, they are never given equal importance, rather always referred to as his followers, as if he were a saint and they his disciples! I get uncomfortable when human beings begin to deify one of their own! It upsets my rational self, I suppose! I think India would have gained Independence, with or without Gandhi and that's why this whole 'Mahatma' worship bothers me, more often than not.

It's not his fault of course. No, that dubious distinction belongs to us, the Indian people, and to our politicians, who have made Gandhi, big business! And that's what he has been reduced to these days - Big Bucks! Think of all the money people make, printing posters and commissioning statues! All the mileage, politicians derive out of garlanding those very same pictures and statues! Hollywood made Gandhi and Bollywood went one better, with Gandhi, My Father and the now legend, Lage Raho, Munnabhai!

Gandhi, My Father, was very interesting. I thought it explored very realistically, the troubled relationship between the Mahatma and his oldest son. I was relieved to see that the Mahatma was human after all and made mistakes. Also that he then refused to accept them like all of us do. Rather reassuring that! Lage Raho Munnabhai was a hoot from start to finish! I enjoyed it thoroughly, not only because of a sterling cast and performances, but also for Gandhi's characterization (Dilip Prabhavalkar was excellent!). He seemed 'real' and his ideals 'attainable'. A 21st century Gandhi, a common man's Gandhi! That, I understood, I identified, I rejoiced.

I do believe in non-violence though. Violence of every sort turns me off in a big way. I don't see the point of it and I know for a fact, it solves not a thing! A look around the world is proof enough for me. Man is the only animal on Planet Earth that engages in violence, purely for sport! For pleasure! Frankly it's beyond me - I have other ways of getting high and no they have nothing to do with drugs, sex or alcohol! Well - definitely not drugs! But it seems to me that though the man himself was non-violent and possibly never hurt a fly, his actions in combination with other events, certainly led to one of the most gruesomely, violent events in Indian history - the Partition.

I wonder, how and why a man so great, a Mahatma, has become irrelevant in society today. Yes, Gandhian ideology is still revered and being a Gandhi is certainly an achievement of sorts in India (beats me, as to why!), but seriously speaking - nobody gives a damn! Not the politicians who sing his praises and quote him at every rally, not the Indian people, for whom he was once 'Mahatma' and is now just another name in the history books and not me - though having said that, I did blog!

Hey Ram! Now that he would have understood...

Rock On!!!

Just back, from what for me, is definitely the "Movie of the Year'. I went with high expectations and the movie did not disappoint!

This movie really blew me away with its abundance of TALENT. The script and dialogue - fantastic, the acting - sensitive and controlled, the music - SUPERLATIVE, the editing taut, the direction - apt. A beautifully made movie to be savoured like a fine vintage! The last time I lost it like this over a movie was way back for Dil Chahta Hai - unsurprisingly, Farhan Akhtar's debut as a director! And here he is again - this time with his acting and singing debut - brilliant! Kudos to this young Powerhouse of Talent.

Yet for me the sensitive, angst-ridden Joe, portrayed by Arjun Rampal (looking HOT,HOT, HOT!!) in the performance of a lifetime, is the piece-de-resistance! He becomes Joe Mascarenhas - guitarist par excellence, dreamy, principled, protective and conflicted. Shahana Goswami as Debbie his wife, is the perfect foil to his down-and-out Joe. She's a no-nonsense kind of gal, who's sacrificed her dreams to work in the family fish business, put food on the table and pay the bills, struggling to keep her family afloat. In one of my favourite scenes (there are too many to count!) she's complaining to Joe, "I can never get rid of this damn fish smell from my hands!" Another is when she goes to meet Farhan's character Aditya, to tell him to stop 'spinning-castles-in-the-air' for Joe, 'cause what they need, is for him to have a steady job not unrealistic expectations. "The shards of those broken promises, will affect my life," she says, "my life and my son's, not yours. Please, let him go Aditya." Great scene, great dialogue, great acting!

Luke Kenny and Purab Kohli shine as 'Rob' the keyboard player and 'KD', short for 'Killer Drummer' :) Prachi Desai, whom I previously knew, only as the ever-suffering 'Bani' in the TV serial 'Kasam Se', shows she can indeed act and redeems herself as Sakshi Shroff, Aditya's wife and the catalyst serving to reunite the band, for one last Hurrah. I love the scene where she rather hesistangly, haltingly croons 'Ajeeb Dastaan Hai Ye', while husband Aditya watches, silently supporting her, eyes brimming with pride and love - very sweetly done!

The band is 'Magik', as its members say because, "We're all in it together!" I agree, it's all of them, together, creating movie-magic! This movie renews my faith in 'Bollywood', perhaps all is not lost after all and hope exists while such talent does. It's a good feeling :)

3 Cheers for 'Magik', 3 Cheers for 'Rock On', Hip Hip Hurray!!!