I began writing this post on Valentine's Day - a day celebrating Love. Thought it only appropriate since I lost my beloved brother a few weeks ago - found it too hard though and gave up for a while...now I'm back home in Singapore and trying to finish what I started...am relying on my Bro to give me the courage I need to remember him with Happiness - he would have wanted that - lots of laughs and minimal fuss - that was my brother, my soul mate.
I have never understood why the term 'soul mate' is generally used in reference to romantic relationships; just as I have never understood why the love between a mother and her child is considered to be the strongest, deepest form of human love there is, as though the love in all other relationships is somehow lesser. I don't agree with either of the two assumptions - I just think love is different in different relationships - not lesser, greater, deeper or shallower - just different...equal but different.
As for 'soul mates', I just lost mine - my brother, Amey, all of 28, my hero, my confidante, my soul mate. It's hard for me to find words that describe him - brave, funny, wise, silly, handsome come to mind; harder still to sit at his PC, from where he spoke to me almost everyday for the last 3years. But I have this emotional maelstrom inside me that needs an out - an escape - or else I fear my heart will burst into a million pieces and never again be whole.
The words of a favourite Michael Bolton song (an old favourite of both his & mine) come to mind...
"Tell me how am I supposed to live without you,
Now that I've been lovin' you so long,
How am I supposed to live without you,
How am I supposed to carry on,
When all that I've been livin' for is gone"
That's how I feel inside and out - how does one survive the loss of a soul mate? How does one fill the empty spaces left behind - at the dinner table, while watching TV and listening to music, in one's heart and soul?
Some days, it's too painful to think of him; on others, too painful not to. Nothing seems quite the same anymore and yet suddenly it seems like nothing has changed - he'll come online at 3.30 pm , like he always did, if I just wait long enough, and we'll be discussing the latest Bollywood movie or the latest exploits of the Indian cricket team (we both adore MSD!) or venting about Indian politics and the Iraq war, the stupidity of Americans in general and Bush in particular, or going gaga over Sukhi's (that's what he liked to call Sukhwinder Singh!) latest song! All favourite topics of conversation on which we usually agreed to disagree :) I'm going to miss all of that and so much more...
But for all my pain and my feelings of loneliness and despair at his loss, I'm Happy, yes, Happy for him, cause now he's FREE - free of pain and physical limitations - to be the Spirit he was born to be!
He blessed me with his presence in my life for 28 golden years and he was the BEST brother I could have wished for - still is - cause isn't that what they say - "When you lose someone you love, You have an angel you know!"
So Here's To You, Babloo - My Brother, My Angel, My Soul Mate...
Love You Hamesha Bro - I could go with the traditional 'Rest In Peace' but what I really want to say is - Enjoy!! Have A Blast!! Rock On!!
7 comments:
I knew you would blog on this. I knew your emotions would flow in words. And I knew it would be a beautiful and heartrending piece, just like this.
Angel indeed! :)
Surprisingly or should I say unsurprisingly it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be...poignantly cathartic...
Amey! What a life. I was fortunate to be an observer for the whole of it. I felt that the end, when it came, was too sudden.
I am reminded of John Donne:
... any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Be happy wherever you are, Amey!
Amey, ajatashatru, having unparallel qualities of mind, soul, everfresh, having interest and thirst for knowledge on every conceivable topic in politics, sports, aircrafts, and what not!
He is ever-fresh in everyone's mind.
DEAR HARSHA,
I AM SURE AMEYA KNEW HOW LUCKY HE WAS TO HAVE A SISTER LIKE YOU..
EVEN AT THIS DISTANCE.. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR HIM...YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE PILLAR OF STRENGTH TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
mAY GOD GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO
BRAVE THIS DIFFICULT PERIOD
VEERA N ASHISH
What would always remind me of Amey is his fortitude and equanimity in the face of horrible affliction. He never did complain, was never sad or forlorn and argued on different points in different fields as if it did matter to him.
On our part he did matter to us all.
Even before you sent the link to me aseem had told me to read your blog on Babloo.But somehow i did not have the courage to read it.I did not want to face your pain in black and white.A pain camouflaged in your desparate attempt to be brave for the sake of your parents and for all of us. But when i did read it i was stunned!What a positive piece.It made babloo come alive before our minds as he would have wanted to be.Happy,full of life,and very much loved.He lives on in all of us with his sunny attitude towards life.Rest in peace? NEVER!He has to be constantly within all of us, bursting with life ,happy and always positive.
nanni
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